Attraction is weird—let’s be honest.

You (they) are not the problem.

Awhile ago, I was really into someone—in a way I’d never been before.

This wasn’t just a passing crush (and I would know the difference). We got along quite well, and for a moment, I thought something real might come out of it. But more than anything, that experience made me realize something new about myself: I actually did have a type.

Story, story…

Now, despite once chewing my mom’s SIM card when I was younger, I don’t exactly have the courage to go after the opposite gender. Sorry, I don't have the ‘Ruth-anointing’ or any of those fancy terms for shooting your shot. So, I did nothing. But then, something happened—I found out they had been into someone else prior to our encounter or “friendship.”

Ouch.

When I saw the girl they liked, I went, ‘Whoa! Of course he’d go for her.’ There was this quiet realization that he’d probably never see me that way. It felt like the likes of him would always go for the likes of her. This is what he wants—this is what I’m not.

Yeah, whatever.

Till today, I’m still amazed at how quickly my brain hit reset on that issue. Maybe it’s because, deep down, I believe the right person will pursue my heart intentionally.

This person I’m talking about never knew I liked them, save for my close friends who I’d told earlier to “come to my rescue—I’m feeling finished.”

But let’s face it.

The feeling when someone you like is drawn to a type that seem worlds apart from you? It stings. Okay, maybe not worlds apart. Do they breathe, eat, and fart? Because you breathe, eat, and fart, too!

Well, clearly, there’s more to attraction than basic human qualities. People may seem so alike, but a closer look and you'd realise how different (read: unique) we all are. It’s sometimes those differences that spark up interest in Femi and turns off Gideon; or turns off Idera and draws in Victoria.

Brethren, attraction is not one-size-fits-all.

Sometimes, it’s just one thing about them. Their laugh. The way they smell. Or the way they carry themselves. Their IJGB¹ accent. Chiseled jawline or whatever else you're into. The list is endless.

But other times–like Nigerian GenZ’s will say–“na collabo.” Tall, dark and handsome with a voice like Boyz II men. The nerdy type but somehow your type of cool. Heavy on top, behind or both. Prayer meshin with a rockstar personality, or the infamous “Christian baddie” who may or may not be void of the Spirit.

Attraction can be chaotic.

“What did he/she see in him/her?” are some thoughts that play out in our minds, mostly out of sheer perplexity. Some of these preferences often don’t make sense, even to the person feeling them.

But guess what? People like what they like, and sometimes there’s no logic (or fairness) to it. I once read a humorous post where a lady shared how she had a thing for a guy who wore cardigans a lot. Something about that made her see him differently.

On the flip side, there’s the fallen human instinct to measure our worth by what others see and affirm in us. It’s like we believe that, if only we could decode what they like, we’d find the missing pieces within ourselves to finally be “enough.” Lies.

Attraction isn’t some puzzle that even the smartest, or the most beautiful in the room can solve. In fact, someone may think you’re too smart, too beautiful, too kind, too much…and that’s why you’re not their type. It’s okay!!!

To try to fit someone else’s ideal is exhausting, because for how long? Why are you trying to pull yourself further away from the unique qualities you ought to embrace just because you want to be someone’s type?

What’s more, your worth doesn’t shift with anyone’s preferences (read that again!) and a true connection wouldn’t demand you become something you’re not. It’s not so much about being someone’s “type”; it’s about being seen, chosen and valued for everything that makes you, you.

You are a type regardless. A spec, still.

In conclusion?

I’ll let you in on some things I’m also holding onto:

• Your feelings are valid. Sincerity is the beginning of true perspective.

• It’s okay to feel the sting of not being someone’s type—but you can’t let it define your worth. Even a typewriter wasn’t everyone’s type (don't leave me).

• Your emotions may take a while to get the memo, but your heart mustn’t lose sight of this truth—you are already loved and chosen (Cue in song - Jireh, you are enough).

• Don’t stop believing in intentional love. Your heavenly Father has set the standard.

Lastly, attraction is weird. But you?

You are not the problem.

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Hey, everyone. 💛

Thank you for reading! This one has been sitting in my drafts for a while, and when the Holy Spirit said to share it today, I wanted to hold back, especially because of the bit I shared at the beginning (it felt cringe). Lol.

💌. Up next, on February 14th, is a short fiction. I’m still in between titles right now, but do well to stay tuned.

💌 In case you missed it, read my last newsletter: “Aaron Pierre, that’s Mufasa…”

Yours in Quality Time,
Adebola. 🦋

1. Short for: “I-just-got-back” (informally used to refer to abroad returnees)