Help! I think my life is over-hyped.
(Disclaimer: This one is personal. If it feels a little heavier than usual, that’s because it is. But if it’s not what you need today, feel free to skip and come back later, if ever. Thank you).
I wasn’t sure if I should write this, but here we are.
Let me begin my saying I don’t like to look like what I’m going through, if it's not pleasant. And no, it’s not because I like to form. Maybe I just don’t see the point in wearing struggles on my face (well except for my eye bags lately). And for that one, I didn't wear it, it wore me (lol).
I like to believe I carry myself well, and maybe that’s why people assume I have it all figured out. But the truth? I don’t. No one does. Lately, I’ve felt like I’ve been wrapped in expectations and assumptions about where I should be, what I should have, and who I should be by now. E too choke!
One, people often think I have a lot of money. I say Amen, rather than sound dismissive. But let’s be honest. People see you look nice (and I need to!), or find out you have a family business, and for those who know where I come from, the assumption is automatic. My last name, Akindele is a titled name (although not in the Odogwu paranran way). But generational wealth is one thing, and that’s not all there is to it. There’s more going on behind the scenes than anyone sees. I’ll spare you the details.
But long story short: God is my source and sustainer. And yes, that money they see? They see well. I (will) have it plenty, and this isn't wishful thinking.
Another one is the assumption that I should be one of those topping my class in pharmacy school. I get this a lot especially from those who have known me longer and are aware of my track record. Of a fact, I actually show up. I try my best. But recently, I’ve found out that the race isn’t for the swift. I failed a course for the first time in my life, and I still don’t know how to feel about it.
Also, there’s the idea that I should have left the country by now because, truly, I have a legit basis to do so. On this matter, no personal comments from me. As long as I’m in the will of God, I will be good.
In addition, there's the “Aren’t you supposed to be done with school by now?” table.
And how some will go as far as point out that Kofo (hypothetical person) a classmate from secondary school is done with Youth Service Corps. Or how Mabel (another hypothetical person) from primary school is getting married soon.
Kofo and Mabel, congratulations! If it’s to celebrate others’ successes, I’m team front row. You’ll always find me there. But sometimes it’s unavoidable not to feel like everyone is leaving you behind. Well, in the words of my best friend, “This congratulations, na turn by turn.”
As for those who assume I have it all figured out in my walk with God, what is your problem? No, seriously. I genuinely dislike being put on the spot about it. I may be charismatic, but my walk with God is very personal, as is everyone else’s. And for me, it would always be depth over titles—anytime, any day (and I've been running from titles—just leave me alone).
Just a few days ago, someone I have a lot of respect for (and they’re probably reading this) referred to me as ‘A woman of many powers.’ It was meant in good fun, but statements like that repel me. And it's because it felt like yet another title I never asked for, or worse yet, another assumption that I have it all together.
As though I don't already have a lot on my plate, my people, there’s a recent development. It’s the idea that I’m definitely in a romantic relationship by now because apparently, rumour has it that I look like I am (whatever that means).
Can I be honest?
These assumptions feel like a script about my life, jinxing the expectations I have also placed on myself. The weight of expectations (the one I placed on myself, that is), the constant push to have it all together has been exhausting lately. Because while I can shut my ears to people’s assumptions, the truth is, no one pressures me more than I pressure myself.
For one, I’m an only child. Yep.
If you were about to say “aww,” I’m giving you a side eye. It’s not as cute as people think! Although there’s love at home (a good reflection of my Heavenly Father’s love), there are also expectations, which, to be fair, isn’t a bad thing.
However, I feel like I have to get it right. Always. Graduate top of my class or something close. Secure a good job. Go further in academia—at least a Master’s degree. Make the ’rents proud. Marry early. And in my mother’s words—give birth to the ones she didn’t give birth to (this one scares me). All of these are well-meaning, but sometimes? (sighs in *God abeg).
But maybe (just maybe) it’s all in my head.
This is me, who, by my own calculation in 2018, should be probably doing a Master’s right now or about to. And marriage would come next at 25 (which is next year, by the way).
LOL.
On that note, I think I finally found a good reason to meet up with my younger self for coffee. Or better yet, Caprisun and Cheeseballs. I need to set her straight. But I digress.
My point is, for the longest time, I have measured my worth against standards that God never set for me. And a big part of that had always been academic validation. I’ve tied my worth to achievements. It’s subtle, but the past few days have exposed it, and as much as I don’t want to, I need to confront it and put things in perspective.
In the midst of recent events which have unsettled me really bad, and made me doubt myself so much, God is reminding me that my worth isn’t tied to anything I’ve talked about in this newsletter today, other than Him.
Maybe one or two people needed to hear this, too. What counts is how aligned you and I are with His purpose and timing. I think it was the Late Dr Myles Munroe that said, “Our place is first in God.”
You see, as much as we may pray that God settles us early with His mercy (Psalm 90:14), our times are still in His hands (Psalm 31:15). Do you know why that’s good news? His will is perfect; and His plans are good.
And to you, my friend who, like me, has felt like you’ve had more valley-moments that mountain-moments lately, I hope these words from a song by Tauren Wells encourages you like it did me—
Hello everyone,
This one might not have been the usual, and that’s okay. I’m grateful for the privilege to write about moments like this, too. As you can probably tell, this season has been a bit heavy for me mentally and emotionally—so if you can, please say a prayer for me. Thank you.
I’ll write to you again soon. I promise to keep showing up, even when it’s messy. Substack is where we write, even when it’s not pretty, right?
Until next time. 💛
💌🎶: I thought to leave you a playlist :)
Yours in Quality Time, Adébọ́lá. 🦋
You know I find this write up very interesting, real, and in most cases relatable. The truth is that, as out of pocket you think you sound, everybody who wants to be something worthwhile in life goes through pressure either we like to accept it or not. Even living in the will of God brings pressure because the devil won't make it easy. Jesus faced so much pressure, he almost ran out of the ring. But grace kept him and that's the lesson we can all learn-God's grace is sufficient for us, and in our weakness then is he strong in us.
Honestly, the pressure doesn't reduce what just changes is our focus. I like to see limitations and challenges in my life as pending testimonies I'd share to encourage people that *I've been there, done that, got the t-shirt and face cap, there is nothing in it that you can't overcome too."
This is not just to pacify you, but to tell you that those expectations and pressures cuts across every right thinking person. And the arm of flesh will fail that's why we don't trust in our ability to meet up to the expectations but in God's ability to keep His promise.
There was anxiety to pass common entrance, anxiety and pressure to even finish those JSS 1 notes that primary 5 did not prepare us for. Anxiety to pass physics or chemistry in flying colours and when you enter the University those things just become stories. Like I can't imagine that got me tripping, especially when I had to deal with financial independence, passing courses you were barely taught, keep friends, school-life balance, maintaining steeze, maintain a consistent spiritual devotion and also write a newsletter as often as you can.
Life is just phase by phase, this phase seems like hell because you want to make the rest of life worthwhile but one way I remain level headed is when I remember going through worse cases and I don't even know how but God did. There were courses I thought would be the end of me in school, now I don't even remember the lecturer's name.
These things pass, be like Jesus and fix your gaze on the Glory ahead. Funny how he didn't even try to act strong, when the cross was to heavy for him he fell, someone helped him, when he felt betrayed he cried to God. He wasn't oblivious to the cross or the shame, He simply endured and despised cos the end is always going to be a funny story and a lesson to learn by those coming after you. It's the value in you that make people have a high expectation for you, God put it there, He'd shine it forth himself. Just keep going
This is also a me story 🥺
Especially the top in class (when I was an undergraduate), failed a course, getting married and having plenty money....
You guys Pleaseeeeee.
Thank you Debola for reminding me that it is God's will over people's will and my worth is not based on what others think.
Also sometimes I convert the energy these people give into a positive thrive to do better. I try not to over think but honestly it doesn't work all the time.
Thank you for this value