LDR: my kind of soft love.

(LDR = Long distance relationship)

One of my favourite icebreakers is “this or that.” I even have personally curated questions. And among these is, “See-finish (short distance) relationship” or “Long distance?”

Each time I’ve played this game with friends, I’m almost always the lone voice choosing the latter.

Feeling “dangerous” with 0 others.

A friend of mine once made a very valid argument for short distance relationships, the one I teasingly call “see-finish.” She said being in close proximity with your person meant watching them very closely.

“You get to see them be themselves, like truly themselves…”

I get that. I really do. But then again, the One who watches over all of us neither slumbers nor sleeps. Thankfully. Because if it were left to any of us, how much watching would we really want to do? Láì ṣe olóde (When you're not a night-watch).

My point is, I don’t think I’m much of a fan of short-distance relationships, especially not during dating/courtship. I mean, I love it for those who do, but I don't think I like it for me.

When I picture a short-distance relationship, the kind where you’re dating someone in your church (like the same branch), school (within the same campus), workplace, or worse, living just a few minutes away…hmm.

Let's even say, for example, we go to the same church. Beautiful! I really don't mind, as long as it's a different branch. And by different branch, I mean in another state or country, even. I’m not even kidding.

True, proximity can be cute… you know, hanging out every other day, running into each other frequently, dropping by unannounced just to “see your face,” or walking each other halfway home and back for no reason. Like I said, cute.

But you know what I find cuter? Some room. To miss, to anticipate, and to yearn. I like some healthy buildup. I don’t want to fall into a rhythm of convenience way too early. I don't like that. Plus, since we’re not yet one flesh, why should we be in each other’s faces ten times a week? Ehn, fine boy?

Plus, I’m not trying to be obvious every time we’re in the same place and end up being everybody’s cup of tea. Not that accountability isn’t important, it is – non-negotiably so. But still, I don’t want the relationship to feel like a community project either.

And I know this because I’m a “relationship FBI.” I can smell one from a mile away. Once I suspect two people around me are liking each other, or already dating, my mission is simple: observe the aww moments, and or, spot the red flags.

Long distance, on the other hand…

I think it’s my kind of soft love. And I'll tell you why.

First, this is far beyond the perspective of “absence makes the heart grow fonder.” I don't even think about LDR from the standpoint of absence at all. In fact, quality time is my second primary love language (no, that’s not how my blog got its name).

As a 40% quality time person, presence matters to me. A lot. But I find presence more in intentionality, rather than just being physically present. And long-distance love, when done right, carries a presence that I admire.

Romantic relationships aside, I have some incredible people in my life, who I haven't met in person, and they don't feel far, but love, of course, often requires more. So, let's bring it back to that.

In an ideal situation where cheating, ghosting, laziness, or “catfishing” and other related matters are not in the picture, I think LDRs have so many pros.

For one, LDR is a good training ground.

“Debola, do you want a relationship or you want to join the army?” Lol. Just hear me out.

I know I said LDR is my kind of soft love. By soft love, I obviously don't mean “easy.” I’m talking about intentionality. I just think LDR requires a kind of intentionality that says, “if it didn't dey, it didn't dey.” (If it's not there, then it's not).

Nothing just “happens.” Every call, message, or visit, has to be intentional. Plus, I’m someone that values intellectual and emotional depth. That's my kind of chemistry. Not the nonsense that is giving me a headache in Pharmaceutical chemistry. But I digress.

In my opinion, LDRs push you to talk more, really listen, and truly understand each other’s thoughts and feelings without all the physical distractions. Our minds, we can explore; our bodies, we save for marriage, so why suffer through the unnecessary tension when that time could be invested in some more meaningful, heart-to-heart conversations?

Thank God for technology. You don't have to see people physically before you connect with them on a deep level. Personally, I want curiosity to grow alongside connection.

Importantly, I know some people say the temptation is worse in long-distance relationships, since the “absence” makes the physical longing more intense. But is temptation really lesser when they’re five minutes away? I think not.

Also, in LDRs, “I miss you” is not just a cliché.

Even conflict resolution becomes more thought-out because you can’t rely on the lazy apology that comes with just showing up at my door with jumbo cheese balls and a fine face, smelling really nice. I’m a sucker for these… but let me focus on the point here.

This is the crux of my point. I believe long distance gives room to individually be, before being together. Does that make sense?

Interestingly, my parents did long distance for many years (before and after marriage). And while they are not perfect, I am a witness to the fact that they made it work. Even when miles stood between them, the strength of their bond was something to admire. If anything, they taught me that closeness and nearness are not the same thing. I daresay, they can even be mutually exclusive.

Maybe that's why I'm pro-LDR.

And trust me, there’s definitely a sprinkle of romantic idealism in it, too. A big yes to the countdowns, highly anticipated visits, and the excitement that comes with exchanging heartfelt “see you soon” love letters. If it's not your thing, I can understand. But I believe it’s my own kind of soft love.

So, yeah. Let’s reserve see-finish until we can truly see-finish. Amen?

Finally, “Love built on Christ will stand.”

That's the reminder I leave you with from our song recommendation today. A beautiful song. Enjoy:)

Yours in Quality time,
Adébọ́lá. 🦋