Lovable, yet (un)loving

I hereby confess...

Photo by Louis Galvez on Unsplash

One of my journal entries reads, “There's healing in confession.” 

Till date, this is one of my favourite entries. I can’t seem to get over that line of meditation because of the experience that prompted it. Perhaps I'd share that experience some other time if the Lord permits. Even if you don't take it from me, take it from the word of God–there's indeed healing in confession (James 5:16a)

Speaking of which, I have a few things to admit to today. First things first, Happy new month, everyone and Happy International women's day to my beloved female readers. I had scheduled a different article for last week, but if you know anything about the Holy Spirit, you would understand that when He points in a different direction, it's for a greater good. Well, the “greater good” article had to be a week late. Are we good?

Anyway, if you believe in the popular notion that says in the month of March, you ought to march forward (whatever that means), please forgive me because I might have to backtrack a bit in this article. Rolling the calender back, February for one, was quite emotionally challenging for me. Crazy how this version of February will come in another four years. Phew, so much I could have done with a leap (pun-intended). 

However, today makes it a week since I wrapped up the semester in school. Fourteen demanding courses, featuring lacklustre structures and reactions, perplexing schematics, extensive notes, flavourless botanical names, sleep-deprived nights, and uninteresting calculations. But hey, this is me studying my dream profession, right? It may interest you to know I was about 12 years old when the desire to study Pharmacy blossomed within me like a vibrant flower, unfolding its petals in the garden of my aspirations. Nevertheless, who says good things can't be overwhelming, especially when you have to walk through the process to certify yourself worthy of learning and character? But I digress. God is good all the time. 

The month of February had begun on such a wonderful note, with me feeling rather assured by God. Some of you can testify to this from my previous article (thank you for the amazing feedbacks). But somewhere in the middle of that month, I went out of line. Or alignment. As much as I tried to stay present in the moment–lingering in God's presence more than circumstances, even adopting a personal journalling series through my exams, and cutting back on my social media presence, I struggled a great deal in my love-walk. 

Remember that video game, angry bird? When it was a thing, I don't remember ever understanding or playing it (I'm not that fond of games). But while I took an inventory of my recent behavioural flaws, I concluded I was acting just like an angry bird. Yes, I was stressed out, but that in no way justified some actions I took. Why was I getting mad at the slightest things? Lord, I thought I was done with all that short-fuse life! Why did it seem like certain people had to walk on eggshells around me? Things I'd usually overlook and make allowance for, I was taking it out on others. Unfair assumptions? Check. As I began to take inventory, I asked myself questions like: Why did I snicker that day? Why that unnecessary comment? Was it necessary to have taken such-and-such against that person? Why did I communicate an expectation with sarcasm? Did I just look away when I could have offered help? Without mincing words, I was out of line on so many levels! And as a believer, if you're out of line, it's because something went off with your alignment. 

Alignment here, I'm talking precisely about love–love for God and for others. The crazy part? I was not outrightly neglecting my walk with God, but I might as well have been, because isn't love the basis of true engagement with God and others? His love for me, my love for Him, spilling over to my love for others. This is what I call the “alignment-tripod.” Friends, my alignment-tripod was under attack. 

Following a recent conversation with a good friend whom we both share creative synergy (Hey, Wunmi), she mentioned something along the lines of being lovable, yet unloving. Not just did my draft get a title, conviction also gripped my heart as I reflected on that conversation. 

Lovable, yet unloving…

Such that one can be displaying affectionate traits, yet struggling to truly connect emotionally or invest in deep relationships. You know, another friend of mine (Hey, Toyin) mentioned something in a corporate prayer last week, asking God to help us walk in love. She said, “that you're using sweet terms of endearments for everyone doesn't always equate to walking in love.” Uh-oh… the (good) sting of conviction!

 It's funny how sometimes our surface charm can mask our internal struggles with impatience, vulnerability and other emotional barriers. Our veneer of sweetness makes it seem unbelievable that pride, insecurity, envy or jealousy could be lurking somewhere in our hearts. Do you relate?

Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts:

Psalm 139:23 (KJV).

What, then? I’ve come to realize that God doesn't merely want to convict us of wrong. More than anything, He wants to help us do right. Isn't that amazing?

Hence, as we seek to do right by God and by others, our alignment-tripod rooted in the foundation of God's love, let us endeavour to continue to walk in the fruit(s) of regeneration (Gal 5:22-23). While also bearing in mind that as beings of love, we're capable of not just being lovable but also loving.

---

RELATED POSTS:

• November pathways

• God’s wisdom: where similarity and variety interlace

• It is what it is: Friendships, seasons and a couple of things in-between.

---

Shout-out to you, my beloved readers! Thank you for always. Hopefully, you could in one way or another relate to today’s letter. I’d be glad to read what stood out to you today. 💛

Yours in Quality time

Adebola🦋.